


Gal Pals (Are Not Always Helpful)

by resonant_aura



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Again, Gen, Implied Relationships, girl talk in tal'dorei, keyleth is a very sweet and innocent creampuff, some vague vax/keyleth if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 13:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6756946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resonant_aura/pseuds/resonant_aura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Keyleth got advice about men from her female friends, and one time she didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gal Pals (Are Not Always Helpful)

**Author's Note:**

> All right look, I was TRYING to work VERY SERIOUSLY on all this other fic stuff I've got cooking, and then this little thing came along and said WITNESS ME and so now I gave it 1800 words maybe it will go to sleep and I can get some real writing done.

“I’m day drunk,” Keyleth announces with an explosive hiccup.

Vex pats her on the back and lifts her own mug to her mouth. “Yes, darling, we know,” she sighs with an air of long suffering. “It’s one of your remarkable skills. One you continue to hone with extensive practice.”

“Yeah. I know a lot about drinking.” She doesn’t. But she takes another long draught of ale from her mug and belches to prove otherwise. “I know a lot about a lot of stuff.”

“Yes, you do.”

“But I don’t know about men!”

Vex blinks and almost drops her cup. “Come again?”

Keyleth scowls into her mug, then bangs it onto the bar, sloshing liquid everywhere. It gets all over her tunic but she doesn’t seem to notice. “I’m igmuh—iggor—I don’t know stuff!”

“About… men?”

“Mm-hm,” Keyleth groans, drooping down into Vex’s shoulder. “I dunno. _Anything._ ‘Bout men. Vax… Percy… Scanl’n… Kashaaaaw…”

Vex smiles wryly. “What about Grog?”

“He’s too man for man.”

“Hmm. Indeed.”

“I wanna know what _you_ know.”

For the second time in as many minutes, Vex nearly drops her cup. “ _What_?”

Blearily Keyleth looks up into Vex’s face. She sways. “You’re… you lived in cities. ‘N stuff. Know things. Eh?”

Cautiously, Vex says, “What is it you want to know?”

“Uhhh… what I don’t know?”

A beat of silence. Vex bursts into raucous laughter. “Oh Keyleth,” she finally chuckles as her laughter winds down, “don’t you know? If you want to learn a secret,” and she leans down to Keyleth, a finger alongside her nose as she winks, “you have to start with the _source_.”

“Eh? Eh?”

Vex pushes Keyleth off her barstool. “I mean go talk to my brother, day drinker! Ask _him_ about it—I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to share."

\---

“There’s no way I can talk to Vax about it,” Keyleth moans from her bed. She holds her hand over her forehead, pathetically wishing the pounding ache would stop. It doesn’t, and Pike knows that all too well, which is why she’s sitting next to this newest invalid and brewing a special tea.

“Talk to Vax about what?” the gnome asks, smiling gently.

“Oh… ugh… I don’t even know if _I_ want to talk about it anymore.”

“Okay…?”

The really terrible thing about Pike, more terrifying than her mace or her spells, is how she can make you _want_ to talk.

“Okay!” Keyleth bursts out. “I might have told Vex I don’t know anything about men and now she thinks I should talk to Vax about it but I _can’t_ because that would be _crazy_ and anyway he’ll probably just _walk away again_ and I won’t know anything still but then I will also look like an idiot!”

“Wow,” says Pike. “Okay, um… let me work through all that…” She pours silently, frown puckered a little.

“Do you know anything about men, Pike? I mean—anything?”

“Well… I grew up with Grog, and when I was old enough I helped my grandfather with his healing. I know what a man looks like.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Pike says with a mischievous dimpled smile. “Big.”

Keyleth gapes, frowns, chokes, blushes, and frowns again. “Well but—is that—big for gnomes, or big for half-elves?”

Pike laughs. “I’m teasing, Keyleth. Men really aren’t that different from women, and there’s people in between too. There isn’t a special manual to teach you about men. Just treat them like people. And—they’re not really big, all of them, just a little more angular.”

For a moment Keyleth pouts. Then she brightens up—she has an _idea_.

\---

From under her lashes, Keyleth tries to examine Gilmore surreptitiously. He doesn’t _look_ angular—if anything she feels kind of bony and unattractive compared to him—but since she doesn’t know anything maybe she’s just a bad judge of… angularity. Never mind. She’s got a plan.

“Oh. It’s _you._ ”

Keyleth tries a warm, wide smile. Sherri doesn’t look impressed. Or friendly.

“Can I help you?” Sherri asks frostily, adjusting her glasses. “Or should I leave you to your… _browsing_?” Keyleth is not good at surreptitious.

“Yes, actually… do you have any books on men?”

“… Excuse me?”

Keyleth whispers so harshly it’s really a hiss. “Guys. I need books about guys. What are they thinking, why are they always making stupid decisions, like—can you train them? Like rangers do?”

Sherri sniffs. “We don’t sell those kinds of books here.”

Instead of fighting to salvage the situation, Keyleth sort of shrugs and droops a little. “I—okay. Thanks. For your time.”

The prim half-elf blinks again, shoots a quick glance at her employer, then mutters, “Follow me.” She drags Keyleth to a half-covered alcove and in rapid-fire common rattles off, “No love potions, absolutely not, whatever troubles you’re having you’ll never need that. There’s nothing a good meal and a long sleep can’t solve—cook him something with meat, or, if he’s a plant-eating sort, lots of mushrooms. Not the hallucinogenic kinds. Soothing words and firm touches. Have at least three candles lit. If you can manage it, summon some kind of musical air—or just hire musicians and direct them outside the window. If that fails, I have nothing for you.”

“I, uh—I just need general information—”

“Then take this,” Sherri says, shoving a dusty tome into Keyleth’s arms, “and _never_ tell anyone we had this conversation.”

\---

“Can you read it?” Keyleth asks anxiously.

Allura drags one finger beneath the faded lines of script. “It is an old text… not magical, though. Where did you find this?”

“I, uh, um, got it from—a friend.”

“A friend,” Allura echoes. “Indeed. Well, your friend has curious interests. This is an ancient guidebook for Chondathan courting practices. Or possibly Tethyrian, it can be difficult to tell—”

“It’s for _courting_ practices?” Keyleth squeaks.

“Yes. Are you surprised?”

“It wasn’t really what I was expecting…”

Allura raises one aristocratic eyebrow. “What were you expecting?”

“Ah. Well. I—I was asking about—I don’t know anything about men or how they behave, so… I guess it makes sense, when I think about it.”

“Their behavior,” Allura chuckles, absently flipping pages. “I would have thought you, of all people, would not struggle with such a puzzle.”

“Huh?”

“How do you learn about any natural beast in the wild? How do you learn to speak to it and put it at ease in your company?”

She feels like there’s going to be a quiz later. Keyleth slowly says, “You… observe them… in their natural habitat…?”

 “Exactly!”

“But I’ve been around guys for years now! And I was mostly raised by my father so—”

“And have you been learning?”

“No, that’s the prob—”

“You can speak the language, and open the book, and turn the pages… but if you are not looking at the words, how are you to learn the lesson?” Allura closes the book and hands it back to Keyleth. “It takes an attentive mind to study properly.”

Keyleth’s mouth opens, then closes. “Well, shit,” she says succinctly.

“Yes,” Allura agrees mildly. “And be careful with the text, dear. I’m not certain you’re ready for what the Chondathans considered courting.”

\---

“I’d like to stay here for a few weeks,” Keyleth says with deferential politeness, “in order to continue my lessons in the ways of the Ashari.”

“You know you need not ask permission,” Vanessa replies in her sultry, smoky voice, “but I believe the Ashari are further north.”

“Er—”

“Your reasons are your own.” Vanessa waves one hand airily. “So long as you follow the creed and complete a contract to earn your keep within the Take, do as you wish.”

“O-Okay.” Suddenly Keyleth has an idea, and blurts out, “Can you maybe make sure I’m on a team that’s all men?”

Vanessa stares at her. Keyleth gulps and reconsiders her request. “Actually, uh, never mind, it’s totally not important—”

“Your lessons in the ways of the Ashari, I presume.”

“Uhhh…”

Vanessa smirks. One fang is prominently displayed. “The little druid begins to learn her way? How… quaint. Murtin will see to it that you are joined by slayers who meet your requirements.”

Keyleth thinks maybe she’s just gotten very very lucky—or very very screwed. She wishes she could tell the difference. Maybe she’ll learn that soon? “Uh… great! Thank you. Um, if there’s anything—”

“A word of advice?”

Keyleth bites her tongue.

Vanessa’s smirk broadens. Now _both_ fangs are visible. “Men require a firm hand in more ways than one. Do not let them get close enough to put their hands on you—and should _you_ get a hand on _them_ , remember to use a strong grip. It pleases them best, I find.”

“Oh. Sure. Thanks.”

Keyleth leaves the office a little dazed and more than a little puzzled. It isn’t until she sees Murtin polishing a blade that she figures it out. “Oh my— _no_ , that’s not what—”

In her office, Vanessa laughs.

\---

There’s something about a campfire and a late night watch that makes everything a little better.

“Guys want the same things girls do,” Kashaw admits gruffly after Keyleth gathers the courage to ask him. “It’s not like we’re a different species, c’mon.”

“Well, but… what _kinds_ of things?” She crosses her arms defensively. “I might not even know the things that girls want. And we _are_ a different species technically so—”

“Alright, fine!” Kashaw pokes viciously at the fire before settling into a hunched posture. “It’s… it’s basic stuff. You know. You want—someplace nice to sleep.”

“Okaaay… like a tree hollow?”

“You would say that.”

“Well, I mean—”

“Someplace safe, I mean, and comfortable. Somewhere warm if that’s your thing. Or cold if it’s not. And with food, and something to drink that doesn’t make you puke the next day. Something not boring to do so you don’t go crazy. And… well. Someone to. You know. Share it with.” He glares at her from behind his stooped shoulders. “Someone who likes you and likes it when you’re happy I guess.”

“But that just sounds like family.”

“Guys want a family too,” Kashaw says, something hollow in his voice. Keyleth awkwardly puts a hand out and rests it on his arm. “And I guess some want to be powerful, and some want to be angry, but mostly—mostly we all just want to have an okay life. I think.” He thinks for a moment. “And sex with something pretty,” he adds with a deadpan expression. Keyleth almost falls into the fire.

After she rights herself, there’s a long quiet where only the crackling fire speaks. Then, in a small voice, Keyleth asks, “What do you think Vax wants?”

 “As far as I can tell… he just wants you.”


End file.
